Trains, Cycles and Horses: While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

Classic Cycle Joke:  A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy: a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world, costing $32,150.99.  

The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits. An elderly gentleman pulled up next to him on a moped. The man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door."

"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.

The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"

"Sure," replied the new owner.

From his moped, the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.

Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be, and, suddenly,

WHHHOOOSSSHHH, something whipped passed him going much faster. "What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself. Then, just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again, going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the elderly man on the moped! How could that be, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror!

 WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the rear end of the young rider's pride and joy.

The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer. Of course the moped was crushed, and the old man was lying on the ground, pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, would you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

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The New Harley and Dishes:     This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. 

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.  They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.

They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

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Arthur Davidson in Heaven:  Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.  At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.  Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"  God said, "Ah, yes."   "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 
1.  There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.  It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.  Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 
4.  The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 
5.  The maintenance costs are outrageous." 
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God.  "Hold on."  God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.  The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.  "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"  God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!

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Riding tips: Lafferty's secret to Enduro riding: Zero every check, never break down and the rest will fall into place.

Contrary to the popular notion, the best way to dry off a freshly washed bike is not with a 5th gear glory blast down a sudsy dark alley.

Regular maintenance is the key to reliability; irregular maintenance is the key to great exercise.

The 3-percent rule: If you want to go faster, ride with people who are 3-percent faster than you.

The other 3-percent rule: If you want to have fun, ride with people who are 3-percent slower than you.

You've got to finish to win. Of course, you've got to be fast to win too, otherwise everybody would be doing it.

There is no physical training regimen so strict that it can't be undermined by a rigorous program of deferred motorcycle maintenance.

There are old racers and there are bold racers, but there are no old, bold racers who don't walk funny.

Patience is a virtue of many racers. Unfortunately, it's also a virtue of a lot of losers.

The wise racer only pisses off the people he can beat.

The secret of successful race tuning is knowing when to start riding and stop tuning.

If you're going to pray, pray for FACTORY intervention. Divine intervention isn't much use, since the guy upstairs isn't really all that up on the proper set-up.

You can't 2 ½ a triple. At least not a second time.

Webb's first law of sportsmanship: A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to let the air out of a competitor's tire.

Never underestimate the power of good old-fashioned intimidation.

The race goes to the swift. But sometimes none of them show up, and the rest of us have a shot at it.

The more complete your on-board tool-kit, the more likely it is that all your trail riding buddies will expect you to fix everything that breaks on their bikes.

A good rider can overcome marginal equipment. However, even the best equipment can't overcome a marginal rider.

Ruts are like side-panel screws: just when you think you're in the right groove, you get cross-threaded.

To determine the proper approach velocity to a double jump, multiply the required distance in feet by the number of spectators present in the landing zone and convert to mph. Adjust to taste.

Blood in your stool is nature's way of suggesting that you rethink your spring rates.

Be a pal and offer to clean your buddy's air filter before that big Sunday ride. Full-coverage grease: the Great Equalizer.

Brain-teaser: In an off-road race, spectators typically gather around... A: safe, predictable sections that allow plenty of safe show-boating for the crowd.  B: open, unmarked mine shafts.

There are places on Earth that ATV's simply won't fit. Unfortunately, ATV riders aren't aware of this.

Gravity intensifies with the installation of new levers.

You only have one chance to make a first-turn impression.

LaPorte's Law: Any restaurant that won't let you in wearing a clean FMF t-shirt doesn't deserve your patronage.

Careful maintenance and preparation is critical to making your playbike reliable enough to tow your buddy's rat bike to the truck every weekend.

Winning tuners never have "left over" parts.